Across the four years I’ve been on the app, I’ve probably read roughly a billion bios, received a million messages, and heard a huge amount of, quite frankly, absolute crap on Tinder. Tinder is a minefield of lies, deceit, and over-exaggeration, with a small amount of truth intertwined, and it can be challenging, to say the least, to work out exactly where you stand.
After a while though, you become accustomed to every smooth-talking, tall, dark and handsome man that owns a super cute dog and has a dreamy smile – and begin to decipher what it is they actually mean when they attempt to convince you that they’re ‘not like other guys’..
‘I rarely use this app’..
I want you to follow me on *insert relevant social media channel here*. Instagram is the most popular choice of channel, and maybe this is the way to beat the algorithm and gain more followers – I might have to test this theory out and see how successful I become, I’m bound to gain more followers than I do at the moment, right?
Alternatively, it could mean that they want your Snapchat. This is a sure fire way to receive unsolicited pictures of their penis at random times of the night, and sometimes during the day as well, from which your only option is to recoil in horror. If you didn’t already know, a well-known fact about females is that they love to receive penis pics, especially from randoms strangers they’ve never met – said no one, ever..
‘Yet to find someone that can hold a conversation’..
I can’t hold a conversation, but I’m going to blame everyone else instead of accepting that I, myself, am a terribly boring person who can’t get further than ‘Hi, how’re you? What you doing? Nice, I’m bored’.
You’ll read this in their bio and think you’ve hit the jackpot – finally, someone who can hold a conversation, someone who you’ll be able to talk to for hours and find out loads about – but don’t let those hopes get too high, because the conversation will soon be dead, and you’ll understand why all of their other conversations have headed in exactly the same direction..
‘Let’s go for a drive’..
This is going to end in one of two ways, it’s guaranteed. Either, it’ll go bloody awfully, and they’ll try to make a move on you in the front of their car (even ‘the move’ itself is predictable – they’ll pass their hand from the gear stick to your thigh and before you can even blink or think of slapping their hand away, it’ll start moving upwards)..
Or, it’ll go really well and you’ll have an awkward kiss across the handbrake, as you wrestle for space to breathe while your belt attempts to strangle you. I wouldn’t consider either a win, so I would suggest avoiding the situation altogether and going for a walk instead – better for you, and less of a chance of any unwanted fondling – a win, win if my opinion?
‘A true gentleman – last of a dying breed’..
In my mind, a ‘true gentleman’ is someone that holds the door open for you, and not just because they want to look at your bum, buys you flowers, and not just on your birthday or when they’ve done something wrong, and is polite and respectful, and not just to make a good impression with your parents the first time they meet..
A ‘true gentleman’ is not someone that makes me feel crappy or tries to bully me out of paying at least half of the bill on the first date, even after I’ve eaten a starter, main and dessert and had a mocktail or two – if I want to pay, I’m allowed. And if I actually do let you pay, that’s not me saying that I’ll repay you in sex at a later date – it really doesn’t work like that, not in my world at least.
‘I’m looking for the one’..
‘The one’ is loosely interchangeable with ‘a one’ which can be translated a little further into ‘a one night stand with any girl that will consent’. I won’t bash all guys that say they’re looking for ‘the one’ because, even if you’re not expecting it, you may very well find ‘the one’ on Tinder.
I have, however, found that most guys in my experience of dating apps have definitely not been looking for ‘the one’, or anything close to that in fact. In a perfect world, everyone would be open about what it is they actually want, whether that’s a hookup, a friend with benefits, or a long-term relationship, from Tinder. Award for the most misplaced religious quote goes to me, but ‘ask and it shall be given, seek and you shall find’..
‘I’m nothing like the other guys you’ve met’..
I’m like 97% of the guys you’ll meet on this app, I just haven’t learnt to accept that yet. I’ll probably ghost you for a little while – because a lot of the guys on this app are super good at popping up when you least expect it, having not spoken to you weeks or even months – but I can assure you that I’m not like anyone else, and you have to trust me, so that I can attempt to prove you different.
A lot of my dating life is spent sifting through all the nonsense that often fills much of Tinder, but I’ve had some conversations that I will never forget, with people that have truly left their mark on my life. I’ve met lifelong friends – even if that wasn’t the original plan – and had some wonderful dates and relationships all as a result of an app that people told me was only for sex. I find that for every four eye-rolls that I make when reading a persons bio or a direct message, there’ll be one huge smile to myself as well, which makes it all kind of worth it..